today i really wanted to paint a room, any room, it could be your room, just any room. i also have had the urge to move out of the state. one of my friends is moving to colorado and living in a house and he said they have extra rooms if i want one. it made me excited to think about moving, starting over, new experiences. i've never felt this way before and it makes me think i should take advantage and go with my instincts. but then i think about jobs and how/when/where i can get a job. and that concern doesn't matter where i'm going to live, it just sucks. i'm pretty sure this concern has been clouding my thoughts on everything lately, but i have no time to start worrying about this shit. but a change of scenery would be fun i think. so i should look for jobs in other locations. it's not like i have anything holding me back. i need to take more risks in my life, i'm a very nervous person so i don't take many risks because it makes me freak out a lot, and then i sleep a lot. but i think i'm getting better, i'm still very nervous but i'm trying really hard not to be, it sucks. it's hard to do things on a risk and then think about it for weeks on end, it's almost like regret, but i can't change anything about it, but i can not stop thinking about it.

for example. someone blocked my car in while i was parked in the drake lot. i was upset because well i had to leave and couldn't. so i wrote them a note saying how it's was convenient they blocked me in, blah blah blah sarcasm etc. so i put it on their car, and finally someone else moved, and i went home. no sooner had a gotten home i was like "i have to get that note, it was not something i want to do" so i went back and took the note off the car. if i hadn't it would have been eating me up inside for atleast a week. it's hard for me to let go of things, and not worry or think about it too much, so it's hard for me to do things i know will probably provoke this type of behavior. it's almost like i don't want to do things that are wrong, but they are such minute things that it shouldn't matter, but it does to me. the little things in life matter to me, almost too much. i over analyze and over think about small things that only i would freak out about. i did something on saturday and i regretted doing it the next day and i still feel like it's sitting in my stomach, just stewing away at my brain. that would be a fun drawing, i've already done a stomache in a door, maybe i could do a whole series. who knows, possibilites: endless.