how to improve the world

today was the first time in my life i think i actually enjoyed winter. it wasn't too cold, but the trees and the snow on the ground was so wonderful. i had to walk many places today because well as lindsey put it my car "was being a bastard" she is correct. but it was nice walking today. my legs felt the burn and i'm sleepy so i should have a restful night sleep. i walked past this little hill just down the street from where i live, there was a patch of snow that was untouched it looked so soft i just wanted to lay in it. when i get a house of my own, i want to have a room that is just one big matress, then i can just go in and sleep. how great would that be? no one needs to respond to that, but for those who value sleep as a essential need and a hobby it would be fucking awesome! and swearing is necessary.

i really want to make another pop-up book. but with dinosaurs, i have a new affection towards dinosaurs i think it's because i feel they can make anything great. for example my LSD trip cake was ruined when a tower feel over late in the night. so i just bought a dinosaur and put it on that part of the cake. it turned out to be my favorite part and saved the party, THE ENTIRE PARTY! they are great and can fix anything. i think i should do a book about how plasic dinosaurs can fix any situation. i have that very dinosaur from my cake right here next to me as i type and i feel good about it. i think if more movies had plasic dinosaurs they would be more popular. i have a vase of flowers next to me as well. and i was just thinking, what if there was a plastic dinosaur in the wizzard of oz, the part where they are running through the red flowers, shit i can't remember what type they were, oh poppies, yes. pooopppies. i guess i'm in love with dinosaurs now, life is good.

but what is not good, when your apartment smells like the time you had the stomach flu and puked up a veggie burger from drake diner. yes, that is what my apartment smells like at this very moment. it's bringing backs some bad memories. the guys down stairs were cooking up something nasty and pretty much ruined my night. i think i'm very smell oriented, oh but wait there is my dinosaur...things just got better. hehe. i just had to talk about how our apartment smells because it's really bothering me. ahh. that's all, next on my agenda: sleep. hooray!

disconnected from society

so maybe it's not that dramatic but it does really suck in a way. my phone broke on thursday and it's definitely different. i don't mind it actually that much because well i am actually in a place where i have no contact with anyone. i don't have to worry if someone is trying to call me i can go anywhere and no one could reach me. i drove to iowa city this weekend and the car ride was great, it felt so nice to just be with my thoughts, not that i get very many phone calls but just the fact that i couldn't and i had to be alone in the car was great. once i get my phone back i think i'm going to turn it off more. but the only thing that did suck was the weather was crappy so if i did end up in a ditch i couldn't contact anyone and that would suck. but low and behold i get home from iowa city and get ready to go to my meeting, get in my car and it won't start. wow what a feeling... when i use ... that means "in a sarcastic tone" so i get in my car and it would start, awesome... now i have no phone, no vehicle i am disconnected. i'm just waiting because my computer will be next i know it already. but i am so frustrated right now it's unbelieveable. the heat in my car broke last week, and i just got it back and everything was grand, but now i can't even take it in because it won't start. and now i'll have to rely on others to get me places. i hate relying on others. i like to be independent in the sense where i don't need to rely on others because it just gets too complicated. how am i going to get here, how am i going to get there? i can't call when my classes are done for someone to pick me up, or from anything else. sooo FRUSTRATING!! i just get irritated when things break, or don't work, it's a pet peeve of mine. that's why technology is bad for me because eventually things break and stop working. then it ruins my day. now i'm going to drink water and go to sleep because that seems to be a logical thing for me. sleep cures everything, mostly bad frustrating days.

today i really wanted to paint a room, any room, it could be your room, just any room. i also have had the urge to move out of the state. one of my friends is moving to colorado and living in a house and he said they have extra rooms if i want one. it made me excited to think about moving, starting over, new experiences. i've never felt this way before and it makes me think i should take advantage and go with my instincts. but then i think about jobs and how/when/where i can get a job. and that concern doesn't matter where i'm going to live, it just sucks. i'm pretty sure this concern has been clouding my thoughts on everything lately, but i have no time to start worrying about this shit. but a change of scenery would be fun i think. so i should look for jobs in other locations. it's not like i have anything holding me back. i need to take more risks in my life, i'm a very nervous person so i don't take many risks because it makes me freak out a lot, and then i sleep a lot. but i think i'm getting better, i'm still very nervous but i'm trying really hard not to be, it sucks. it's hard to do things on a risk and then think about it for weeks on end, it's almost like regret, but i can't change anything about it, but i can not stop thinking about it.

for example. someone blocked my car in while i was parked in the drake lot. i was upset because well i had to leave and couldn't. so i wrote them a note saying how it's was convenient they blocked me in, blah blah blah sarcasm etc. so i put it on their car, and finally someone else moved, and i went home. no sooner had a gotten home i was like "i have to get that note, it was not something i want to do" so i went back and took the note off the car. if i hadn't it would have been eating me up inside for atleast a week. it's hard for me to let go of things, and not worry or think about it too much, so it's hard for me to do things i know will probably provoke this type of behavior. it's almost like i don't want to do things that are wrong, but they are such minute things that it shouldn't matter, but it does to me. the little things in life matter to me, almost too much. i over analyze and over think about small things that only i would freak out about. i did something on saturday and i regretted doing it the next day and i still feel like it's sitting in my stomach, just stewing away at my brain. that would be a fun drawing, i've already done a stomache in a door, maybe i could do a whole series. who knows, possibilites: endless.

today is the first time i have nothing to blog about, i'm searching my brain but i have nothing. but i guess i heard a new band last night, well they aren't new to the scene but they are new to me. they are called Red Wanting Blue, alt indie stuff. they are from columbus ohio and they opened for the nadas last night. i like when we have opening bands because it gives me a chance to do my job, be with people i like, listen to music which is my favorite thing to do, all while having new music brought to me. love it! i don't know what i would do without music, it keeps me entertained and busy. i associate certain music to certain people and i like that. this blog has encouraged me to locate more new music. i will do that. the blogging has been slow lately i think it's because i need more sleep. it's probably my favorite thing to do, sleep. so more sleep is my goal for the week. that and using dinosaurs in more things, i don't use them much and i feel i should.

so after my tie dye party i decided i want to start batiking again. i did it in high school and loved it i think it's really really great. and now that i have buckets of dye sitting in my kitchen it's a good time to pick up the hobby. i'm going to batik clothes that i have first because it's an interesting texture and i don't know if a lot of t-shirts are that way. we'll see how it goes, and i also have material for curtains i am going to make so that would be fun to make a border. a whole new world is opening up for me, it will be a good stress relief because to me doing thing not related to school and something i like doing, help me with school because my brain is turned off from school alllowing me to think more clearly. this is what i've discovered, whether or not it's true, i'm going to say yes.

angry hearts

i just made some angry hearts out of cloth and fabric paint for my valentine i'm supposed to make for GD2. lindsey said they seem demented and i think she is crazy. i'm in a crafting mood today, it's because i was hanging out a Michaels today. i bought some tie dye stuff because i love tie dye. i also bought supplies to make a castle cake for my birthday, a princess castle cake to be precise. i will feel like i'm on the food network show Ace of Cakes, i love that show it makes me want to take a cake decorating class, i know i said this last blog but i talk about the same things a lot. i should have a photo of my masterpiece when it's completed. i'll be working long into the night thursday but i like doing this type of stuff.

oh man bjork's Oh So Quiet just came on, this song is great. i'm pretty sure this blog has no purpose, i just wanted to say i like crafting. ooo and i didn't have to wear my winter coat outside today, probably the best thing that has happened to me all semester. it's like a whole new world out there when it's pleasant. if i could hibernate all winter i would. like bears do. i still haven't seen that documentary where the guy lives with bears, follows them around, etc. etc. i hear its great. i saw the first half of the move Spell bound. it was entertaining. spelling is not my strong point so these kids get gold stars from me for winning spelling bees. at my elementary we would have contests to see who could look up words in the dictionary the fastest. the teacher would say a word and whoever could say the definition first won. i never won. haha. but i like the paper they use in dictionaries. it's thin, and i like thumbing through it. and i like the chunks taken out of the side so you can find the beginning letters easier. yep dictionaries.

lately i've been having crazy dreams. not crazy in the sense that they are tripped out, but i wake up and i say "why would i dream that" it's frustrating because it's things i'm trying to forget about but my brain subconsciously brings it back up and i don't enjoy it at all. but normally i sleep on my stomach and both times i had strange dreams i woke up on my back which never happens maybe it has something to do with the way i'm sleeping, or i'm thrashing about in my sleep, who knows. but the first string of these dreams i woke up in fright which also never happens because i never have dreams that are so frightening i wake up out of breathe, but it happened. i can't even say what it was about right now but it was scary. i'm trying to think of the scariest dream i have ever had and i think it was when i was about nine. haha it's funny because whenever something takes place in my past and i have no idea how old i am i always assume i was nine, i guess nine was a big year for me or something. but i had a dream there were some huge giant creatures attacking my house and they made these horrible noises, so i was hiding. it's been a long time since this dream so that's all i really remember. but then i was somewhere about 6 years later and i heard that horrible noise or something similar and i just about jumped out of my skin, i was sooo scared. most of my dreams are very vivid as i'm sure everyones are but sometimes i have dreams about things that happened the same night i went to bed and when i wake up i don't know which parts are real and what i just dreamed up. just goes to show i live in my own little world. hehe.

but something i haven't had in a long time is deja vu. i love them it's one of my favorite things. i get excited when it happens because it's a feeling almost like freefalling. i miss it. k now i'm off to eat butterfingers and ice cream because i can.